Miscarriage

 10-25% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That number is actually low.  Many miscarriages occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant which would bring that number to more than 30%. 

It is a heartbreaking reality that happens all too often.  So why is it not talked about?  Why do we not acknowledge the very real existence of pregnancy loss?  It’s taboo to talk openly about miscarriage.  It makes people uncomfortable; especially those who have never experienced it.  But the reality is, NOT talking about it makes the women who HAVE experienced miscarriage feel ashamed and embarrassed.  As if they did something wrong.  NOT talking about it makes us diminish the life growing inside of us.  Life and death are realities that we all encounter throughout our existence.  Miscarriage happens to be about both life and death as well.  And it doesn’t just happen to women.  Yes, physically.  But emotionally, it happens to men too.

On February 11^th, 2011, at 16 weeks pregnant, I delivered my surrogate baby.  A sleeping baby boy.  It was not something I or his parents ever thought would happen so early.  As someone who has just been through this devastating reality, I urge you to reach out to those who have been through a miscarriage.  Offer an ear to listen, a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.  It takes time to heal, but eventually, we will want to talk about it.

When I was in the hospital there was a card on my door with a leaf cradling a teardrop.  It signifies loss and suffering.  I recently found a poem that explains its meaning and I want to share it:

A growing leaf, green in color, has fallen prematurely. It has separated from the tree of life and landed in a pool of water, of many tears. It is a dark moment. A human tear lingers on the freshly fallen leaf... before it turns brown.
Fallen.
Drifting aimlessly
on a sea of grief and pain
the leaf cradles a teardrop.
Offers refuge.
Embodies hope.
Just as winter awakens to spring,
our deepest sorrow harbors the seed of hope renewed.
Hope renewed.

by Susan Ring.

"Why are YOU sad?"

For some reason I feel guilty about being sad.  Like I'm not allowed to be sad because I was "just a surrogate".  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and then turn around and tell myself that it's not okay to be so sad about the loss.  It wasn't my loss, after all.  It was R and C's loss.  I keep hearing that it's normal and totally okay to be sad, but there is little support/people out there who have been in my exact situation.  I feel like if I try to "relate" to someone else who has had a miscarriage, they are thinking that I have no idea what they are going through.  And maybe I don't.  I've always been sure that it would be a million times harder if I had lost my own baby, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard, right?

It is so hard to explain to my friends and family why I feel so empty.  In a matter of hours, my body went from pregnant, to un-pregnant, and I can't imagine my hormones knew how to deal with that.  So for now, I keep chalking it up to hormones.  And while I believe in my heart that I'm truly sad about the loss, their loss, my loss, whatever you call it, I'll continue to blame in on hormones for those who just can't seem to understand my heartache.

More to come

I just wanted to update to say that I plan to continue to write about my experience.  The last few days have been a whirlwind of events and I truly believe they are too fresh to write about yet.  I need some time to process everything that has happened, but I will be back.  I have a lot to say and a big audience to address it to.

My journey has come to an end

This is not the type of update I wanted to make today.  It's all very surreal.

I went in for my regular 16 week prenatal visit today and came out a completely different person.  After 15 minutes of the Dr. using the doppler to find a heartbeat, he was puzzled as to why we couldn't hear anything.  He sent me to another OB's office (just one floor up) to use the ultrasound to find the heartbeat.  He started the ultrasound and I knew right away.  I could clearly see that the heart wasn't beating and there was no fetal movement.  I am beyond devastated but not for myself; for R and C.  They wanted this baby so much and they DESERVED this baby.  It is so hard to deliver such sad news to such wonderful parents.  And they are parents.  They had a child.  They lost a child.  It may be "just a miscarriage" to some, but it's a loss.  I truly cannot even begin to imagine the heartache they are experiencing.

I am so happy to have had the pleasure of meeting such wonderful people and building such a strong friendship with them.  I don't know what lies ahead for all of us.  To be completely honest, I don't know if I can do this again.  I want sooo much for these guys to be daddies; more than anything in the world.  But I HAVE to think about myself here, too.  And this was a really tough journey for me.  With the bleeding and loss at 6 weeks, and now, just 10 weeks later, another loss.  My mind and heart are definitely not in sync.  Obviously it will take some time to heal, physically and emotionally, and perhaps after a little time, I'll know whether or not I want to do another journey.  And whether or not THEY want to do another journey with me.  I know they want to be parents.  It's their dream.  And they will be AMAZING parents one day.  But I don't know if I'm the right person to make that dream come true for them.  I'm doubting myself and my abilities to carry another baby for them.  It will take some time and a lot of thinking, so I don't want to count myself totally out.  But it's something we'll need to discuss at a later date.  And if I do decide to do it again, I would like to wait at LEAST 6 months.  I'm not sure they'll want to wait that long and honestly, I wouldn't blame them.  I am and will be completely happy with whatever they decide, but for me, I need time. 

15 weeks!!

Well, I'm officially 15 weeks!  I feel like this pregnancy is going by so fast compared to my past pregnancies.  I'm finally feeling good; great actually!  I've had a few braxton hicks contractions but nothing alarming.  Each week I send a new picture of my belly to R and C.  They really enjoy seeing the bump grow and knowing it's their little baby inside getting bigger and bigger.  I haven't felt any movement but I'm not surprised as I didn't feel anything with the boys until after 18 weeks.  I also have an anterior placenta this time and with the boys it was posterior.  Apparently the anterior placenta makes it so you don't feel movement as much or as distinctly.  Just a waiting game now :)

I miss my mom

So, I live in the same town I have lived in for my entire life.  I love it here and I don't ever plan on leaving.  My parents on the other hand, well they moved out of the cold midwest to sunny Arizona a little over 2 years ago.  To be completely honest, I fully expected this to be no problem.  I love my parents, but my mom and I definitely butted heads on more than one occasion and many topics related to parenting, etc.  There was a time after my first son was born that she was so upset with me, she didn't speak to me for over a month!!  We eventually talked and realized that we had very different views on many different things.  We agreed to disagree.

So when we later learned they would be moving to be closer to my grandparents in Arizona,  I wasn't surprised, but I was sad.  I knew I would miss her but I also knew this distance would be good for us.  Well, if it was meant to completely tear out my heart, I'd call it a job well done.  I've never missed anyone as much as I miss my mom.  I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones, but I do know that my heart really hurts knowing I only get to see her and my dad once a year at the MOST.  It's been hard.  It's hard telling the boys about grandma and grandpa in Arizona when the only grandparents they really know live just down the street from us (Josh's parents).  They don't understand and it makes me really sad. 

My mom is probably the most supportive about this surrogacy.  When I first told her, she was THRILLED!  It's just not the same reaction I got from other family member's when I shared the news.  My grandmother thought I would be giving away my own baby (she didn't understand the difference between gestational and traditional surrogacy) and my grandfather was okay with it until he found out it was for a gay couple.  Then all of the sudden it wasn't right.  But my mom.  She's been SOO supportive 100% of the time.  And I love her for that. 

Well I decided that I cannot wait longer to see my parents, so we are taking the boys and flying out in February!  We are staying with them for 1 week and it's been a long time coming.  I'm ready for warm weather, fresh produce, and most importantly, time with the people who are my life.

11 weeks!

Well we've made it to 11 weeks and I am finally starting to feel like a normal person again.  I had some pretty crazy morning (all day) sickness for awhile there and there were days when I really didn't want to even get out of bed.  I never had many symptoms with my own pregnancies so this has thrown me for a loop.  I was starting to get used to puking multiple times a day.  Not that I liked it (I actually LOATHE throwing up) but the more I did it, the easier it became.  Almost like second nature.  Yuck.  I was a pretty terrible house wife and mom for a few weeks there.  My kids were helping themselves to food (they're 3 and 1) and watching Sesame Street while I lay on the couch all day long.  I felt really horrible about this of course.  My poor husband would get up with our kids at 5:30am (they're early risers), get them dressed, fed, etc. and then off to work he'd go.  He'd come home, make dinner, clean the house and give the boys baths and get them ready for bed.  I was useless.  I could tell he was getting frustrated but he never said a word about it. 

I love that man.

But things have started to get better.  I stopped my meds last Thursday and since Friday, I haven't puked!!  It's like a record!  I am starting to actually cook meals again and my house doesn't look like the toy and dust bunny fairies threw up all over.

I can only hope that the rest of the pregnancy goes more smoothly!