April 5, 2011

I have a secret....

.....and I can't really tell anyone.  Well, I can, but don't really WANT to tell anyone in real life yet.  But I just wanted to say here that my journey might not be over yet!  Please, if you know me "in real life", don't say anything about what I'm about to write.  It's a very sensitive situation for me so please know that I'm not ready to discuss it with anyone who knows me.  Not just yet.

I've grown very close to my IP's, more so since the miscarriage.  This is a journey we started together so it is very hard to have it come to a halt.  I thought I was done.  And my husband was definitely done.  After a lot of discussion we decided to tell R and C that we would not be continuing the journey.  It was so hard for me.  I just love them so much and I want this for them more than anything in the world.  And I was sad that it wouldn't be me that was carrying their child.  The thought of someone else as their surrogate made me a little sick to my stomach, to be honest.  Not that I don't think anyone else would be able to, but I've created such a wonderful relationship with them that it feels very incomplete to just stop here.  I know that if we do another journey, I will feel great about it.  I'm optimistic about the future for us (them, really). 

So after more consideration, hours of talking, weighing pros and cons, etc, Josh and I decided to give it one more try.  R and C were so thrilled with this.  It will be a frozen transfer instead of fresh so the med cycle is a bit less extensive so that should be good.  The other nice thing about a frozen transfer is that we can pick an exact date to do the transfer.  We are looking at a transfer date toward the end of May.  I've not shared this with anyone yet (besides my husband, my mom, and my oh-so-supportive internet ladies, and obviously the IP's and our coordinator!)  Okay, so when you put it like that, a lot of people know.  But I am not willing to talk about it yet.  So, if you read this and try to approach me about it, I will probably brush you off.  Please don't be offended.  I am just not ready to discuss it with very many people.  I'm in a very vulnerable state and will be cautious about announcing anything for a long time.  Please respect this.

Lastly, to all of you who support me, thank you so much!!!  I could not do this without the endless support from my friends and family.  I love you all more than you could know.

And remember......Sshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.