May 16, 2011

Why I blog

I have always loved writing.  I enjoy putting my fingers on the keys and just seeing what pops up.  I don't pre-think of things to say.  I usually just start typing and see what comes out.

When I started this journey I wanted to have a way to go back through and re-live it.  Pictures are a great way to remember important events in our lives, but with this journey pictures aren't exactly going to work. (not yet anyways).  So I wanted a sort of outlet to express myself freely and without filter.  In the beginning I was nervous about sharing too much.  I didn't really tell anyone about my blog (few people in-real-life know about it, still) because I wanted it to be my outlet.  I didn't share it with my IP's because I wanted to have a place to vent any and all frustrations without making them feel bad.  I didn't want to worry about filtering my words.  As surrogates, we go through things that are can be difficult, physically and emotionally.  And I think it's important to be able to share those feelings without fear of judgment.

After the miscarriage (or during, rather) I wanted my IP's to "see" my side.  When I was in the hospital, there was nothing they could do but sit at their home and "wait" with me for it to be over.  I know it killed them to not be here for me, but I know they care for me and thought of me for hours and days.  I wanted to give them my perspective on the journey at the time so I shared my blog with them.  I think it was the right thing to do and I think they appreciated my willingness to open up with them.

I was worried about continuing to blog.  I still have a bit of fear about "saying" the wrong thing and having someone take it a different way than which it was intended.  BUT, my desire to share outweighs that small fear.  I'm learning that this journey is not my journey alone.  I have amazing IP's who are the REASON I'm on it.  And I want them to be as involved in my side of the journey as they can.  I'm sure it's not easy to hear that your surrogate hates her injections, is nervous about another loss, is constantly puking, or the many other "ailments" that come along with cycling and pregnancy.  However, it is still THEIR journey and they deserve to be there for as much of it as they want to be.  (R & C--This is not an invitation for you to come live with me! though I'm sure the boys wouldn't mind having you around, haha!) 

So all of this to basically say that I do plan to share more on this blog.  Stay tuned!

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