For some reason I feel guilty about being sad. Like I'm not allowed to be sad because I was "just a surrogate". I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and then turn around and tell myself that it's not okay to be so sad about the loss. It wasn't my loss, after all. It was R and C's loss. I keep hearing that it's normal and totally okay to be sad, but there is little support/people out there who have been in my exact situation. I feel like if I try to "relate" to someone else who has had a miscarriage, they are thinking that I have no idea what they are going through. And maybe I don't. I've always been sure that it would be a million times harder if I had lost my own baby, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard, right?
It is so hard to explain to my friends and family why I feel so empty. In a matter of hours, my body went from pregnant, to un-pregnant, and I can't imagine my hormones knew how to deal with that. So for now, I keep chalking it up to hormones. And while I believe in my heart that I'm truly sad about the loss, their loss, my loss, whatever you call it, I'll continue to blame in on hormones for those who just can't seem to understand my heartache.