February 8, 2011

My journey has come to an end

This is not the type of update I wanted to make today.  It's all very surreal.

I went in for my regular 16 week prenatal visit today and came out a completely different person.  After 15 minutes of the Dr. using the doppler to find a heartbeat, he was puzzled as to why we couldn't hear anything.  He sent me to another OB's office (just one floor up) to use the ultrasound to find the heartbeat.  He started the ultrasound and I knew right away.  I could clearly see that the heart wasn't beating and there was no fetal movement.  I am beyond devastated but not for myself; for R and C.  They wanted this baby so much and they DESERVED this baby.  It is so hard to deliver such sad news to such wonderful parents.  And they are parents.  They had a child.  They lost a child.  It may be "just a miscarriage" to some, but it's a loss.  I truly cannot even begin to imagine the heartache they are experiencing.

I am so happy to have had the pleasure of meeting such wonderful people and building such a strong friendship with them.  I don't know what lies ahead for all of us.  To be completely honest, I don't know if I can do this again.  I want sooo much for these guys to be daddies; more than anything in the world.  But I HAVE to think about myself here, too.  And this was a really tough journey for me.  With the bleeding and loss at 6 weeks, and now, just 10 weeks later, another loss.  My mind and heart are definitely not in sync.  Obviously it will take some time to heal, physically and emotionally, and perhaps after a little time, I'll know whether or not I want to do another journey.  And whether or not THEY want to do another journey with me.  I know they want to be parents.  It's their dream.  And they will be AMAZING parents one day.  But I don't know if I'm the right person to make that dream come true for them.  I'm doubting myself and my abilities to carry another baby for them.  It will take some time and a lot of thinking, so I don't want to count myself totally out.  But it's something we'll need to discuss at a later date.  And if I do decide to do it again, I would like to wait at LEAST 6 months.  I'm not sure they'll want to wait that long and honestly, I wouldn't blame them.  I am and will be completely happy with whatever they decide, but for me, I need time. 


  1. My goodness. SO many HUGS!!!!!! Know that is has little to do with you! Biology is hard. Take the time you need, it is incredibly hard. HUGS!!!!!
    If my husband would let me, I would so be a surrogate for them.

  2. I'm so sorry. For you. For the IPs. For everyone. So hard; so very hard indeed. This is my first time here, but I find this so fascinating and can't wait to start from the beginning of your blog.

  3. So sorry!! Take the time you need, whether that's days, weeks or months. You want to be in the right place.

    I wonder if they can find out what's going on . . . . I wonder if there is an issue with the egg donor + their sperm . . . . I've heard of people switching donors and things going better.

    ((((HUGS))))))) to you and your IPs